Anyone seen those M and S food adverts? It’s just gastronomic pornography, with 0898 type voices describing fantastic food including the most divine looking chocolate pudding oozing melted chocolate out of the middle and decorated with thick cream. I saw it and I knew that I haven’t really changed…I could eat all of that twice and it probably not touch the sides. I’ve not changed one bit, and the 5 stone heavier girl is still there somewhere and she might come back and I can hardly bear the thought.
I worry. I worry that I can feel that I might go back to the 17 year old me with those terrible hang ups and methods of dealing with weight gain. I’ve worked so hard the last 15 years to enjoy being me and not to get hung up about stuff, be comfortable in my own skin and in a bizarre way, achieving what I have done is making me feel almost less confident in my body. Sometimes I feel like I look worse.