Monday, May 29, 2006

And more or less seconds after I posted the previous entry

My period arrived. So another 23 day cycle. Who knew this would happen? I have to admit, again I am pretty mardy about it. So is Mike, which is a good thing, and as I have suggested that we have (and I quote): " a really good go at it next month" I think teetoallism and blatent sluttish behaviour are the order of my June. Be warned.

Having a paranoid moment

Went out with work on Friday night. I had a manic day, school all day, then rushing around to get stuff sorted, then rushing A to a party at a sweaty hot play place with his friend and then getting him and aforesaid friend home with ten minutes to spare before being picked up to go out. As a result, I was very dehydrated, but stupidly got stuck into the wine, instead of knocking back some water. On Saturday I had the worst hangover I have had for years - banging head, thirst, exhaustion, copious vomiting - I didn't get out of my pjs until 4pm.

The thing is - I think I remember everything - but then if I had forgotten something I'd said or done, then I wouldn't remember it IYSWIM. I'm a bit worried that I did or said something I shouldn't have. I am usually pretty sensible about stuff like that, but there's always a first time. I am a bit ashamed of myself, and have pledged to be a non-drinker on the next staff night out. My friend from work says that I was fine, and that there were others who might have stuff to be worried about rather than me, but she might be making me feel better. I dunno.

It's half term now for the next two weeks, which is nice. A and I have lots planned and already we have had a nice evening with friends and then climbed Rivington Pike and been out for tea yesterday. Also, he is sleeping in later due to a slightly later holiday bedtime which is nice.

My AF is due this week (another reason not to have been excessively drinking - I really annoy myself sometimes; although A was conceived on a three week luxury cruise, so should have come out looking like a Singapore Sling) and I am nervously looking for signs one way or the other. My last cycle was 23 days, so by that I should come on today, but I will be anxiously waiting until the end of the week to see.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

I really should post more

But I wonder what to write, and if I am even vaguely interesting to my small, but breathtakingly loyal band of readers, particularly as I don't even have a gorgeously cluttered blog due to my inept technical prowess, and not wanting to ask Mike to help as I don't want him to become a reader. It is the only minimalist thing in my life, as my home, wardrobe, bookshelves, CD shelves etc etc are all full and vibrant. So maybe that is a good thing - an area of calm with no photos, blogroll, gorgeous things about the moon and counters and stuff that I am jealous of on other sites.

I remain tired, although, natch, this morning, was awake quite early (Saturday, why not?) Luckily it's only a week until the half term holiday.

I did give myself a Friday night alcohol amnesty, only a half bottle, and bizarrely, the friend to whom I referred in my "I Miss" section of the last meme telephoned meand we had a nice chat, so that was a good thing. It makes me realise that i have matured so much over the years, because the state of our relationship would have been the cause of such angst to me tem years ago, but now I realise that these things are part of the ebb and flow of life, and that so long as contact is retaines, we will get back to a different place eventually, if it's meant to be. At work recently, we were talking about the best times of our livesm and I said that my favourite times have been my thirties - I'm settled and happy in a job I love, with a family I love, good friends, a nice home, and I'm at peace with myself. I can accept my physical and personality flaws in a way I was never able to before, and I don't automatically assume that I am inferior to everyone else.

Two things have happened this week to help me to consolidate my thoughts on this. The first thing was on Monday. At school, we start the day with five minutes aerobics - the same routine each day to the same music, and it changes each half term. The last two half terms, it has been my job, for various reasons, to lead this. Loads of parents stay to watch every day, and it was embarrassing at first, but then I just decided, well, sod it. Anyway, I met a mum from A's class when we were shopping in town on Monday, and she made a few hurtful comments about how i really "didn't have the figure for all that jumping up and down" - it was more in context that just bluntly like that, but I can't be bothered relating the whole conversation. That was a very difficult thing to hear, because despite significant weight loss, I am still a voluptuous lady, size 18 with big boobs and a tummy, and to be honest, her saying that was like my most inner fears about myself and how I looked coming and smacking me in the gob, and I was upset. But once I had calmed down, I was ok about it. I just thought, well, at least I've got the balls to do it, the kids have a great time, loads of people are very supportive and appreciative of it, and also, this particular woman is one of the mousiest, flat chested skinny women ever, with to be fair, not much in the personality department. So who would I really like to be?? Hands down, me. Yes, my boobs and belly probably do bounce up and down, but so what? It doesn't make me a bad person, and I would NEVER in a million years be so rude to someone else, or hurtful. Anyway, the next day, she hightailed it across the playground to me to apologise, saying had she upset me (I had been VERRAH dignified about it on the Monday) and I said that yes, she had, but I was over it. She was actually very upset, and blamed sleep deprivation (she has a young baby) and said "I'm really proud of you for doing it" (thanks for your patronising, love). But the main thing for me was that it happened, I dealt with it, it didn't hurt my heart past the initial stun, and I could make light of it.

The second thing was finding out that someone at work doens't like me. Now, I like to be liked, even in cyberspace, where people don't know me, so if I've ever found that someone doesn't like me, I've taken that hard. But when I examined the reasons for her not liking me, they were stupud, irrational, jealous reasons - there was absolutely nothing I could do about them. I have always been nice to that person, and everyone likes me more than her anyway. So I'm over it. Breakthrough.

Another thing was, I managed to spend the weekend with my Dad without there being an argument, emotional raking over of the past or irritation of each other. Out of the three of us children, I am the only one really who he does this with - he treats the other two with kid gloves. So often, I am the emotional punchbag(I give as good as I get, don't feel sorry for me), and this weekend, there was some sailing close to the wind, but I managed to deflect it, and keep everything on an even keel, because what's to be gained? It's 22 years since my parents split up, they are both married to other people and happy. The past is the past, we all get on now (including Mum and Dad) so why bother with the whys and wherefores of when we haven't? To be honest, a lot of what I went through served to make me the person I am today; sensitive to others feelings, a peacemaker, a determined wife and mother... so it's not all bad really.

I think I might finally be a grown up.

Thursday, May 18, 2006


I AM: tired. OFSTED, some stress at work that isn't about me, but affects me, general working hard with 26 five and six year olds all dayhas made me the tiredest I have been for a while. Hell, I even need the alarm to wake me at the moment, and that hasn't happened for a LONG time

I WANT: to have the best relationship with my son (and hopefully another. Child that is, gender:irrelevant) I want him to sya when he is older: "I had a great childhood, I loved my Mum and Dad so much, and I still do now." And I want to be pregnant.

I WISH: that I could quickly get rid of the 1/2 stone that has crept on whilst I wasn't paying attention

I HATE: walnuts, brazil nuts, hazelnuts, liver and dark chocolate

I MISS: my best friend, who has had a personality change since having a baby. I feel sad about that because I went to great lengths to ensure that I made time for others in my life when A was small. And her bebe is 18 months now.

I FEAR: something dreadful happening to Alfie

I HEAR: things that I shouldn't. I seem to have an innate ability to overhear or be party to, stuff that I shouldn't, and I am not someone who listens at doors or sneaks about. It just happens.

I WONDER: if I will get pregnant again

I REGRET: not sowing my wild oats

I AM NOT: drinking until half term. I really will try (but may give myself a Friday Amnesty tomorrow)

I DANCE: pretty well for a big girl

I SING: constantly. A song for every occasion and for every occasion, a song

I CRY: quite a bit, especially when tired, and more so since I had A. Adverts, soap operas, cheesy magazine stories...

I AM NOT ALWAYS: very Christian. I can be the biggest bitch in the whole world and I have a wicked tongue and a clever bite

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: food mainly. I don't knit, or draw, or have any hobbies really.

I WRITE: neatly. And in quite a boring style

I CONFUSE: left and right, Tuesday and Thursday

I NEED: nothing really. I truly have everything I desire. (Even full cupboards; Tesco came yesterday).

I SHOULD: do something more constructive with my evenings than veg on the sofa

I START: to worry about whether people still like me when I note that they are in a bad mood

I FINISH: off Alfie's food when I shouldn't. Luckily, he doesn't leave much

I TAG: Sal, Dix and Poppy

Friday, May 12, 2006

Why the bloody hell am I awake at 4.30am?

It's not 4.30am now, but I've been up since then.

OFSTED is over (fantastic by the way), and I should be sleeping like a baby, but I'm not. I'm a woman held together by clinique foundation and blusher, coffee and food grabbed on the run. It's Friday, and I think I may die a death at work today. We're all on our knees.

Adrenaline is a real bugger.

Anway, I couldn't face lying in bed wondering when I would get back to sleep, so I decided to get up, have a little quiet tidy up of my house, which has been ignored since the news of the inspection came through, as I worked all weekend and till late at night, and watch The Apprentice which Mike taped for me (I already know who won though).

Fashion news: I went to Wallis preview night and spent £108 )at a 20% discount. It was required

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Just so you know

I'm not pregnant. For some bizarre reason, I had a 24 day cycle this month.

I'd forgotten this crappy feeling. And it's only month 1. Bah.

I think the sore boobs are because of my new walking regime - 4 miles 3 times a week. I actually enjoy it and have a good goss with my friend whilst we are doing it.

Hey guess what? The dreaded OFSTED inspectors are in school next week too.

My cup runneth over!