Wednesday, August 30, 2006

In the Middle of the Night/He was talking in my sleep (apologies to Billy Joel)

One of the advantages of having the holidays is that I have had a chance to catch up and really properly read other blogs. Jeez I am boring. I read Poppy, and Dixie, Moxie and Sally (hey, all ending in an "ee" sound! Like me!) and they completely absorb and interest me, and indeed the others that read them. My blog is like I am some kind of fourteen year old; "Dear Diary, today I had weetabix for my birthday, zzzzzz......"

I need to make a blogging resolution - that there should be more about my thoughts. I am a reasonably amusing person, but I read like a piece of soggy cauliflower.

Last night I HAD to get out - rang up my mate C who lives at the bottom of my road and we had a girls road trip to a retail park (I know, I know, but this is the UK, it was there or a pub). I treated myself to the swirl print kaftan on this page which I will (and indeed am) wear over a vest and jeans rather than a swimsuit, as a swimsuit isn't high on my agenda at the moment. I think I am just in a bizarre place where I know I am back at work on Monday and there's a countdown that relentlessly is taking me there and there's nothing I can do about it - it's a sort of no-man's land. Oh and:

An Open Letter

Dear Man Who Walked Down My Road At 3.30am today,

I have no idea whether you were drunk or you are some kind of schizophrenic who has not taken his medication. I suspect a combination of the two. Thank you for the extraordinarily loud, nay, shouted conversation/argument you had with yourself/an invisible person/an extraordinarily quiet person. I had NO IDEA until that moment that what I really needed to do was to have a very early morning today. Naturally, initially I chose to ignore your salient advice to make the most of previously unchartered territory of the wee hours, and sillyly attempted to get back to sleep. However, after two hours of tossing and turning, I aceded to your superior knowledge and arose from my bed at 5.20am, and made the most of my day. Thank you for enabling me to laminate all my school resources and clean out and rearrange my kitchen cupboards this morning, whilst acquainting myself with the ITV Early News Hour and the beginning of the Sarah Kennedy show.

Without you, none of this would have been possible.

Signed, a woman who is so frigging tired, she cannot actually remember her name.

I am a Domestic Goddess today. I have made my first ever casserole. I realise that this is probably taught in some kind of beginner's "cook for yourself" class, but I must have missed that day, because although I am Queen of many other dishes, casseroles have just passed me by. So pride is in place.


PS Can anyone help me with the way to make this blog pretty? With Blogrolling and other pretty things and stuff? I know that you have to put it into the Template, but I really need a "one, do this, two do that..." set of instructions.Ta!

In the Middle of the Night/He was talking in my sleep (apologies to Billy Joel)

One of the advantages of having the holidays is that I have had a chance to catch up and really properly read other blogs. Jeez I am boring. I read Poppy, and Dixie, Moxie and Sally (hey, all ending in an "ee" sound! Like me!) and they completely absorb and interest me, and indeed the others that read them. My blog is like I am some kind of fourteen year old; "Dear Diary, today I had weetabix for my birthday, zzzzzz......"

I need to make a blogging resolution - that there should be more about my thoughts. I am a reasonably amusing person, but I read like a piece of soggy cauliflower.

Last night I HAD to get out - rang up my mate C who lives at the bottom of my road and we had a girls road trip to a retail park (I know, I know, but this is the UK, it was there or a pub). I treated myself to the swirl print kaftan on this page which I will (and indeed am) wear over a vest and jeans rather than a swimsuit, as a swimsuit isn't high on my agenda at the moment. I think I am just in a bizarre place where I know I am back at work on Monday and there's a countdown that relentlessly is taking me there and there's nothing I can do about it - it's a sort of no-man's land. Oh and:

An Open Letter

Dear Man Who Walked Down My Road At 3.30am today,

I have no idea whether you were drunk or you are some kind of schizophrenic who has not taken his medication. I suspect a combination of the two. Thank you for the extraordinarily loud, nay, shouted conversation/argument you had with yourself/an invisible person/an extraordinarily quiet person. I had NO IDEA until that moment that what I really needed to do was to have a very early morning today. Naturally, initially I chose to ignore your salient advice to make the most of previously unchartered territory of the wee hours, and sillyly attempted to get back to sleep. However, after two hours of tossing and turning, I aceded to your superior knowledge and arose from my bed at 5.20am, and made the most of my day. Thank you for enabling me to laminate all my school resources and clean out and rearrange my kitchen cupboards this morning, whilst acquainting myself with the ITV Early News Hour and the beginning of the Sarah Kennedy show.

Without you, none of this would have been possible.

Signed, a woman who is so frigging tired, she cannot actually remember her name.

I am a Domestic Goddess today. I have made my first ever casserole. I realise that this is probably taught in some kind of beginner's "cook for yourself" class, but I must have missed that day, because although I am Queen of many other dishes, casseroles have just passed me by. So pride is in place.


PS Can anyone help me with the way to make this blog pretty? With Blogrolling and other pretty things and stuff? I know that you have to put it into the Template, but I really need a "one, do this, two do that..." set of instructions.Ta!

Friday, August 25, 2006

*sob* Only a week to go

The school holidays will be over in a week's time. Where have they gone?? I thought that we would get bored and need ideas for keeping occupied, but we seem to have breezed through, with a nice balance of kids stuff, Mummy stuff, seeing people, being alone... I can't believe it's nearly over!!!

Not really looking forward to the beginning of term - nothing personal to school or the job or children (who seem absolutely gorgeous this year!) - just enjoying being at home, and feel very content and serene. Last year was a bit tumultuous at times (things I can't write about in a blog) and although generally I was very happy, and remain very happy, there are always niggles. I really hate politics at work, and yet my natural nosiness and "need to know" means that I can't help getting involved - not physically, but emotionally. Generally, I keep my opinions to myself, because on the whole, it's easier, but I know them and go over them in my head, if that makes sense. I really want to make a concerted effort to keep out of stuff this year.
My aim is to get on with stuff and do a good job, be nice to people, see no evil, hear no evil, and most importantly, speak no evil.

In other news, I have lost 6lb in two weeks (5 last week, 1 this week) which is good, although I still have another 10lbs to get to a happier weight, and then I'd ideally like another 2 stone off after that. One of the things I've really cut back on is *gasp* wine. I haven't had any since the weekend, and before that, the weekend before. I haven't really missed it, and I've found that I sleep better. Even a glass or two can have me awake at 5am after a crappy night. I've been drinking a bottle (330mls) of Becks no alcohol beer most evenings, and it's lovely, a real placebo. It reassured me that I hopsfully don't have a physical addiction to alcohol, but a habit of pouring a glass to relax - as the no alcohol stuff seems to do the trick fine. I have spent some time worrying about my wine consumption, and looking for signs that it's too much - whenever I mention that to anyone, like Mike, Mum, sister, they all say no way, which is good as you would think they'd be the ones who would be worrying about it if there was a problem. I do have a tendency to worry about stuff like that.

Mike and I are going out for a meal tonight, ostensiably to discuss possible move to the SW coast. I am really not very keen on the idea now at all. Having the big house party last weekend for A's birthday, with loads of great friends and family there made me think really hard about leaving my comfort zone and it scares the shit out of me. I love our house, I like my job, our support network is great... I hope we don't fall out over it.

I'm also coming to terms with the fact that there might not be another baby. I know it's only 4 months trying, but I really did think that it might have happened by now - stupid I know given previous experience. Supposedly, the problem that I had when I was trying to concieve last time is sorted out, but maybe not. I did promise Mike that we wouldn't go through the whole hospital/tests/medication route again, that we would practise a whole "if it's meant to be it's meant to be attitude". And I feel ok with that. I love my life with A. He's so much of a little man now, so independent, and I can devote my time to him. His life would be enhanced by a sibling, but then there are other things that he has like full attention of his parents instead. If it doesn't happen, I really think i might be ok about it. The thing I wouldn't have been ok with would have been not trying.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Happy Birthday to the best boy ever!!

Today my beautiful boy is five years old. He's changed my life completely and for the better. He is the funniest, most gorgeous, most interesting person ever born, and I thank God every day for him.

I can't quite believe that 5 years have passed - in lots of ways it's flown by, and in others it's been an eternity. I can't remember life before him.

I love you my darling baby boy - you had a lovely day today, and so did we.

xxxxxxxxx

Friday, August 18, 2006

Feeling so much better this morning. Last night, it was Robbie Williams, so it just goes to show that the brain is quite random, and it means nothing. M and I had a talk about moving last night that ended in me crying, which was not a bad thing (it wasn't a row at all) as it was quite cathartic. I feel very calm and relaxed today, and my lovely husband brought me coffee and my laptop in bed and cuddled me, all clean and gorgeous from his shower. It's a good start to the day.

Lots to do today, we are having a BBQ tomorrow, looking at the weather it will prolly end up as an indoor buffet! Shopping to do, plus a birthday cake to be made for a certain young man, who is having THREE celebrations this year - tomorrow for friends and family, Monday, the day itself, when he has chosed to go to Gullivers World and for a pizza, and a party for his schoolfriends at a soft play when they go back to school. He deserves it. Can't believe he is going to be 5! Where has this person gone?

Thursday, August 17, 2006

I'm a Dreamer

When I'm at work, I seem to always dream about work - in the holidays it's a bit different. Two nights out of the last three I have had quite disturbing dreams about husbands of friends. In one of them, the wife was saying - here you go, you two, I'm letting you get on with it and encouraging us to get together (she wasn't there, it wasn't anything saucy like that!!) - and in the dream, I remember thinking "I don't think that this is what I actually want!" but feeling that I ought to - plus her husband (who is in RL very very handsome) didn't look like himself in the dream, looked a bit seedy and kissed like you were kissing a sink plunger. I woke up feeling really wierd.

Last nights was even wierder - concerned some very good friends. She was nowhere to be seen, but we appeared to be on holiday together. In my dream, he got in bed with me one night, and was whispering to me "I really fancy you, I know it's wrong, I want you so much, ever since I saw you in that red dress..." and in the dream, I was unbelievably aroused by that, but, pushed him away and told him that his wife is one of my dearest friends so he could forget it. Not, note, I don't fancy you or, actually I'm very happily married. I woke up feeling even more disturbed. and the images from my dream keep popping into my head.

What is it all about? All my life with M, I have had crushes on other people, although not for years, probably since before A was born. I think that's because M isn't the kind of man I expected to fall in love with - he's so placid and kind and loving, and I've always been turned on by the volatile, stronger personalitied kind of man. My worse crush ever was with someone who was the epitome of that, and it nearly broke M and I up, as this person, although with someone else too, admitted he felt the same, but knew that our personalities were too similar to make it work (I quote: "we'd never stop fighting, but then we'd never get out of bed either")

M and I are in a good place and we have been for years. I don't know why this is rearing its ugly head again after years of being underground. I'm feeling worried

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Hello Aunt Flo

Say no more.

Thanks Sally, Mox and Dix for your comments on the last blog. I was very touched, you made me smile! I wasn't fishing for compliments (truly!) just trying to sort my head out, it's scary to see yourself caught unawares on video, I suppose for the mirror and the camera we unconsciously put ourselves into positions that we know are our best.

I am having a lazy day today (I am speaking from my bed - it's 9.30am!!) and A is in his PJs watching TV - he is on strict instructions to come up when Mr Men video has finished. Feeling mardy because of above, but also, when did I last veg in bed?? I have some plans for later involving cleaning the cars, so it's not all laziness

I have finished paying off my PGCE overdraft! Yessssss!!!! I celebrated by getting myself a pair of shoes I have coveted forever on ebay - and they were only £16 in my local shoe emporium here - and to think I could have paid £30 +p and p on ebay! They will of course cripple me and I have no place whatsoever to wear them, but that simply is not the point with shoes. Plus, I have sworn not to buy any clothes until I am back to a fighting weight, so shoes are the placebo.

I am Imelda Marcos

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Girl on Film

Back from our week in Devon - which was a lovely holiday. We took the boys out for three days, and had a nice time, although two four year olds are a handful, especially when they are sharing a bedroom and not getting enough sleep... glad I didn't have twins! It's a strange experience spending a whole week at someone's house, you're not really a guest, more a housemate, and being me, I was very anxious not to be a burden - cue me getting up every morning with the boys, constantly stacking and unstacking the dishwasher and tidying up, and then taking the boys out. Cue me beginning to feel somewhat resentful. I don't help myself. I also became very frustrated by others' disorganisation - we spent most of Saturday driving to two beaches miles away and then wondering why we couldn't find a parking space in an extraordinarily busy Devon town. I am the kind of person who is at IKEA/Trafford Centre as it opens to avoid the crowds and get a good speck. I think there's some hormonal issues too (I will NOT say PMT as I am clinging on to hope this month) It's so beautiful down there, Mike and I are considering a move - at least we were last week, but now we're home I'm not so sure, although I know he still is. A week somewhere gorgeous is idyllic, but we really need to think with our heads and not our hearts - I certainly don't want to be worse off financially, and I would like to go part time at some point in the next few years. We're going to have a night out with a big pad and pen and try to thrash it out.

The other thing that happened last week was that our friend C video'd us getting off a little ferry. It is years since I saw myself on film, and despite the five stone off (more like four at the moment) it's not a pretty sight. I looked like a dumpy housewife. It was a real shock, as my slf image has been good recently, and I imagine myself as quite svelte in a curvy way these days - clearly this is not the case, although the extra baggage I am carrying right now won't help. It was rather depressing to say the least. I also have buck teeth and a big jaw. And very sturdy limbs. However, the thought of it is helping to keep me on the straight and narrow in terms of shedding the crept on stone at the moment. I don't know how I am doing as I was not at home to weigh last week. I tried very very hard, despite being on holiday. A couple of ice creams and a plate of chips did sneak in. Back home and on the waggon now, so fingers crossed.

Been in school yesterday and today. My new colleague is young and enthusiastic, and although initially I felt very threatened by this, I overcame that, and I am embracing her enthusiasm and ideas and now feel very keen and reinvigorated too. She's going to be very good for me, as I think I was in danger of becoming a little stale. Last year wasn't the greatest for me at work, mostly because of worrying about A, but things are settled now, so i have great expectations for next year. I would like today to be the last I am in school for a while though, I have been in every day that I have been at home - only when on holiday have I not been in.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

First week of the holidays is over

I do feel like we've made a lot of the first week, which is great. Mike and I had a lovely weekend once I'd got over the sobbing. We went into Manchester and did grown up things like look around shops, have a leisurely lunch at a non child friendly restaurant (with wine!!) and um, buy A some clothes, and um, talk a lot about A... On Sunday we spent till 2pm in bed reading THREE Sunday papers and a celeb gossip magazine, which was fab, and then mooched around the Trafford Centre and went for a greek meal in the evening. Monday we were both in work, and A came home in the afternoon, so we took him and Mum out for tea. Result: A week of eating out for me!

On Tuesday we went camping here with some friends. It has been the hottest July ever this year, and August predicted to be even more so (which always makes me think of Stevie Wonder) so why in the name of all that is nameless did it absolutely throw it down for the whole holiday??? We arrived and the driving freezing rain made getting tents up a real challenge, but Mike and J, our friend worked really hard. The rain stopped at least once they were up and we could feed the children and ourselves, and have a few drinks, but started again in the night and was relentless for the rest of the day. We had to go to visit a steam railway and some caves because they were indoors, and had our tea at Pizza Hut in Harrogate. On thursday we had to pack up and go, and only then did the weather clear up - lovely sunshine. We went to Brimham Rocks.

Tomorrow we are off to Exeter to stay the week with our friends who moved there last year, so I'm looking forward to that - just ironing and packing to do today, which I really must get on with. When we get back there will be three weeks of the holiday left, which feels like a good way to do it - get the "formal" holiday over and done with and have the chilling out time at the end.

As a result of all the eating out and drinking wine and general lax behaviour in the healthy eating department I had a real shock when I got on the scales on Friday - a REAL shock. I am back on WW with a vengance as a result - there are some tight waistbands in the Zoe wardrobe and I can't afford to replace stuff. I have bought a new purple notebook to write everything down in and dusted down the books. I'm not bothered about getting to goal, but I do want to go back to where I was at my lowest.

Had a really good haircut yesterday and very subtle highlights - I'm really pleased!