More ruminations

It amazes me how I can go off on a tangent on this thing – start writing about my weekend and end up chunnering on about my weight and my inner self. I decided to write a little about how I’ve come to where I am now – in case I forget later.

I never used to bother much about my weight – I did until I was about 27-8 and then tried to accept myself for the way that I was. I always prided myself on dressing well and looking nice and hoped that no one would notice. I told myself that people would never for one minute guess my weight, to be honest I didn’t really know what it was myself. I only weighed myself regularly when I was pregnant, and even then only in kilos as I don’t really understand those, and could only make a rough estimate of the stones value. I just wanted to make sure I didn’t put on too much weight. In actual fact, I didn’t put on too much – only about 2kg! Probably because I wasn’t drinking wine (or liquid sugar, as I like to call it) and also the hormone thing I had going on was being regulated by pregnancy. Anyway, I came out of hospital lots lighter than I did before I was pregnant, at least I’m assuming so, as I had a 10lb baby and all the accompanying blood, water and other ick. In fact I was quite trim (relatively) until I went back to work and stopped breastfeeding. And then back to square one.

Once I left work and stopped eating all the drug rep lunches and consoling myself with nice food because I was so miserable at work, about a stone, stone and a half dropped off nicely, but still this time last year I was 117kg (18 stone 3lbs), and in the May half term I asked my Mum to get me some Weightwatchers books from her class and joined the on-line community. I’m not one of the “faces” there, but I’m an avid reader and get lots of tips and advice. I honestly think that the fact that I’m not putting £5 into the hand of some woman who lost 16lbs and thinks that she can empathise with me every week is what’s kept me going. I have had so many plateaus (plateaux?) that I am sure I would have stopped going were I parting with hard earned cash for the privilege of being informed “stayed the same” or “1lb on” and advised regarding my diet – again. But bizarrely, because I have only myself to answer to, I feel like I’m finding it a lot easier. So now, I am 14 stone 7 – I look great and I feel it, even though I am far too heavy in the eyes of the medical world. I have only really lost about 5-6 pounds since Christmas, but I am plugging away. Ideally I could lose another stone, I don’t particularly want to replace my entire wardrobe again, and also I want to be realistic about what I can take off and keep off. Better that surely than get to 10 stone and they bounce back up to the late teens again because it’s untenable. To be honest, I like being womanly, and I mean really womanly, not “J-Lo, she’s so curvy” womanly. I like my knockers and bottom and waist, I also think bigger women look older less quickly.

People never cease to be amazed when I tell them I have lost five stone, and to be honest I never cease to be amazed myself. I think I do have a greater self-confidence, mainly because I feel less and less that people are judging me by my size. I know that no matter how PC this world claims to be, fattism is the last taboo. You can’t call someone a racist epithet, but you can call someone a fat cow or a fat bitch or a stupid lazy lard arse. I am not saying that fattism is worse than racism, but hey, if you’re experiencing that level of discrimination or abuse then it hurts regardless of what it’s for, and it’s never justifiable. To be honest, I’ve never really experienced much of that since I left school, but I do not lots of people who have and I know how awful it makes them feel.

I despair of a society that makes people feel like that and lauds the skinny. I can’t bear these articles about normal sized women becoming lollipops – why? Mike and I were watching an old episode of Friends the other day –series 2. Aniston and Cox were both really petite and yet both managed to become even skinnier – to the point of emaciation by the end. And Courtenay wonders why she needed IVF? I know nothing of her life, but I’m pretty sure that stature won’t have helped whatever was wrong with her. Vicky Beckham? In any other walk of life her concerned family would have been seeking medical advice and perhaps they are? There’s no natural reason for the way she is? Look at the early Spice Girl videos – she’s normal sized! PCOS doesn’t make you thin, it makes it hard to get weight off, you only need to look at the WW boards for that.