Saturday, October 14, 2006


So, I'm having a worry at the moment, basically because I have nothing to worry about. I feel brilliant. So brilliant that I am now absolutely convinced that I am not in fact pregnant, or that I once was and that something awful has happened, and now I am not really any more and I am going to have a horrible experience at my scan in ten days time.

Sickness/nausea? Gone. Tiredness? Well, yes, still there but not to the same extent. Sore boobies? Yes, but then half of me thinks perhaps that's because I'm wearing a bra 24 hours a day. I AM eating for England, but I think that's just me reacting to two and a half years of WW and scoffing whatever I fancy. That really has to stop, because I don't want to end up undoing ALL the good work I've done. Plus, I'm getting a taste for full fat ice cream and chocolate... I even managed to drink a cup of coffee this morning, the first one for five weeks. I am more or less not able to wear my fitted trousers comfortably, but then given the amount of food that I'm scoffing, I'm not really surprised about that.

Thing is, I'm only coming up to nine weeks, so really, if previous experience is anything to go by, I should be feeling like death around now, but I don't. I know that work distracts me, and obviously I have A now, and can't mope around, but really I feel worried that I feel so - normal, for want of a better word. I have wondered if I might be further on than I thought, if maybe my August period wasn't really a period, and now I'm out of the first trimester, but I think I'm grasping at straws there.

I think it's because deep down inside, I don't really feel like I deserve this. That sounds wierd I know, but I can't truly believe that I'm going to get exactly what I've wanted and that everything is going to be okay. This is a worry that pops into my head all day long, and I can't articulate it aloud, because I can't make it real. So by writing it down, I'm trying to exorcise it from my brain, make it real and see it for what it is.

My SIL had a lovely baby boy, O , on Tuesday, and seeing the photos made me LONG for this baby - so did looking at (pink) baby clothes in the Next Directory last night. Pink or blue, I really don't mind, healthy will do.

The new structure was announced at work this week. I'm definitely going to go for the new role, but as a back up, for the role that I'm in now as well (we all have to reapply for our management positions). There are going to be four roles at the level I'm applying for, so that feels nice - having peers and smaller departments to cover. I feel more like it's the job for me now I've seen where it fits into the structure.

Going for a pampering afternoon for a friend's birthday this afternoon, which should be nice. Mike is taking A to see his Dad, so I've got some "me" time. Lovely.


Poppymom said...

You know, you're in much better health than you were last time you were pregnant. That could very well be why you're feeling better than you were at nine weeks with A.

Hormones can fuel worry, too.

Still, I know that worry. When I was pregnant, if I didn't feel like crap, I assumed something was wrong.

I hope all's well, and I'll bet it is. Hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

Hugs sweetie. Hope you are feeling a little less worried today.

Nothing I can say will reassure you - hell, even I think I am not really pregnant somedays (at the grand old stage of 23 weeks)and all this has been a huge practical joke (including all the scans and scare etc) at my expense. I still don't really believe it is all real, even though I look like I have swallowed a basket ball :o)

I didn't feel/haven't felt as rough this pregnancy as I did with the previous two (haven't actually puked yet which amazes me) but all is well in there, it didn't stop me freaking out on occassion though. I even thought I must be having a boy this time as Cocoa was a girl and I felt much rougher with her.

Scans are scary things (in my book) too, so no wonder you are nervous about it. Just hang in there, eat what you fancy and blog out the worry - it really helps to get it out!

love and calming white light


beege said...

I've been feeling generally better with this pregnancy, too, Z. My nausea was much less, and was virtually gone by 9 weeks.

Now I'm just bone-tired all the time, which is to be expected, I suppose.

And you DO know, in your less hormonally addled moments, that if something HAD happened to this sweet bebe you wouldn't be feeling great. We've had enough friends lose babies to know that babies don't just go away and leave their mums feeling fine.

It's just an odd adjustment, isn't it? We have one pregnancy and think, "OK, so THIS is what it's like for me to be pregnant." and then have another and it's like a whole new ballgame. :)