Saturday, May 20, 2006

I really should post more

But I wonder what to write, and if I am even vaguely interesting to my small, but breathtakingly loyal band of readers, particularly as I don't even have a gorgeously cluttered blog due to my inept technical prowess, and not wanting to ask Mike to help as I don't want him to become a reader. It is the only minimalist thing in my life, as my home, wardrobe, bookshelves, CD shelves etc etc are all full and vibrant. So maybe that is a good thing - an area of calm with no photos, blogroll, gorgeous things about the moon and counters and stuff that I am jealous of on other sites.

I remain tired, although, natch, this morning, was awake quite early (Saturday, why not?) Luckily it's only a week until the half term holiday.

I did give myself a Friday night alcohol amnesty, only a half bottle, and bizarrely, the friend to whom I referred in my "I Miss" section of the last meme telephoned meand we had a nice chat, so that was a good thing. It makes me realise that i have matured so much over the years, because the state of our relationship would have been the cause of such angst to me tem years ago, but now I realise that these things are part of the ebb and flow of life, and that so long as contact is retaines, we will get back to a different place eventually, if it's meant to be. At work recently, we were talking about the best times of our livesm and I said that my favourite times have been my thirties - I'm settled and happy in a job I love, with a family I love, good friends, a nice home, and I'm at peace with myself. I can accept my physical and personality flaws in a way I was never able to before, and I don't automatically assume that I am inferior to everyone else.

Two things have happened this week to help me to consolidate my thoughts on this. The first thing was on Monday. At school, we start the day with five minutes aerobics - the same routine each day to the same music, and it changes each half term. The last two half terms, it has been my job, for various reasons, to lead this. Loads of parents stay to watch every day, and it was embarrassing at first, but then I just decided, well, sod it. Anyway, I met a mum from A's class when we were shopping in town on Monday, and she made a few hurtful comments about how i really "didn't have the figure for all that jumping up and down" - it was more in context that just bluntly like that, but I can't be bothered relating the whole conversation. That was a very difficult thing to hear, because despite significant weight loss, I am still a voluptuous lady, size 18 with big boobs and a tummy, and to be honest, her saying that was like my most inner fears about myself and how I looked coming and smacking me in the gob, and I was upset. But once I had calmed down, I was ok about it. I just thought, well, at least I've got the balls to do it, the kids have a great time, loads of people are very supportive and appreciative of it, and also, this particular woman is one of the mousiest, flat chested skinny women ever, with to be fair, not much in the personality department. So who would I really like to be?? Hands down, me. Yes, my boobs and belly probably do bounce up and down, but so what? It doesn't make me a bad person, and I would NEVER in a million years be so rude to someone else, or hurtful. Anyway, the next day, she hightailed it across the playground to me to apologise, saying had she upset me (I had been VERRAH dignified about it on the Monday) and I said that yes, she had, but I was over it. She was actually very upset, and blamed sleep deprivation (she has a young baby) and said "I'm really proud of you for doing it" (thanks for your patronising, love). But the main thing for me was that it happened, I dealt with it, it didn't hurt my heart past the initial stun, and I could make light of it.

The second thing was finding out that someone at work doens't like me. Now, I like to be liked, even in cyberspace, where people don't know me, so if I've ever found that someone doesn't like me, I've taken that hard. But when I examined the reasons for her not liking me, they were stupud, irrational, jealous reasons - there was absolutely nothing I could do about them. I have always been nice to that person, and everyone likes me more than her anyway. So I'm over it. Breakthrough.

Another thing was, I managed to spend the weekend with my Dad without there being an argument, emotional raking over of the past or irritation of each other. Out of the three of us children, I am the only one really who he does this with - he treats the other two with kid gloves. So often, I am the emotional punchbag(I give as good as I get, don't feel sorry for me), and this weekend, there was some sailing close to the wind, but I managed to deflect it, and keep everything on an even keel, because what's to be gained? It's 22 years since my parents split up, they are both married to other people and happy. The past is the past, we all get on now (including Mum and Dad) so why bother with the whys and wherefores of when we haven't? To be honest, a lot of what I went through served to make me the person I am today; sensitive to others feelings, a peacemaker, a determined wife and mother... so it's not all bad really.

I think I might finally be a grown up.

3 comments:

marshamlow said...

Hi Zoe, My name is Marsha. I came here from Dixie's blog. I am learning to fiddle with layout of my blog, if you want to send me an email, I would be happy to add some stuff to your blog for you. Site meters, photos, blogroll whatever you want.

Katya said...

I've kept the same template for my blog ever since I chose it. Everyone else makes all these interesting changes but I've always left mine alone too.

I know you've gotten over the rude woman but I just read it and I'm annoyed with her -- how rude!

Cassie said...

The nerve is all I've gotta say. And I'm sorry, she had no right, she's probably jealous of the Rack.