Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Well it's the holidays, and time for me to write my reports on my class, which is a huuuugee job, that I am making small inroads into - I think I've done about 9, although they all need adding to.

Having a bit of a crisis about myself, which began on Saturday. I went to a wedding, and wore cream trousers that are really too big for me, but I thought they looked ok, and a black top and jacket and a black hairpiece - you know the kind, all net and feathers. I thought I looked nice, until I met my friends who were all wearing flirty summery dresses with wraps and sandals and stuff, and I felt like shit. I had a nice time at the wedding anyway, although I continued to be dissatisfied with my appearance - my make up and hair are looking a bit tired these days, and I'm not sure what to do about that.

And it's kind of mushroomed into a crazy vine - each time I look in the mirror I am just really pissed off with myself. I feel like I can't manage to look ok, at 33 I haven't really a clue what to wear! And then I'm cross with myself for being so shallow. I have fab life, a great husband, a great son, a great job, a lovely work/life balance, a lovely home... so how can I be jealous of my beautiful girl friends, who are both single, pulling lovely men at the wedding on Saturday ('cos that's really what this is all about...) I bet they would both love to be me and have what I have - yet I am jealous of them. It's because I know deep down that if I were single, that wouldn't have happened to me, and unfortunately, even after ten years marriage (nearly) I still find myself judging myself on the opinion of a man. How sad is that? It doesn't help that Mike (who came down for the evening part of the wedding) wouldn't dance and sat a bit stony faced - he can do that stuff quite often, which really pisses me off, because I would like people to know that we are together, you know? We had a small row about that, but it was easily sorted, and he has apologised to me for it.

I feel like this is random blathering, I suppose I am feeling a bit lonely right now. I have tons and tons of friends, but my three best mates have just had babies and clearly have no interest in anything but thier babies, and rightly so. Two of my closest friends are moving away soon, my sister is pregnant, and I feel in a limbo place. I think it's unlikely that Mike will agree to us having another baby, so I'm in a place where soon my son will go to school and my interests regarding him will be different to all my friends who have one Alfie's age and another smaller one. My career is at the beginning, so I was out on a limb when we went away with our friends the other weekend as they are all ten years into thier careers that we all started together - I'm the only one to have bailed out and changed. I like my work colleagues, but I hate office politics, so feel detached, although friendly with them - certainly not in a place where I want to socialise with them outside of school, especially as I hope to progress managerially within the school.

God only knows what this is about... I do feel a bit better though. Off for lunch with three friends now ( see, see how I really have NOTHING to complain about??)


Dixie said...

Poor sweetie. You are in a bit of a funk, aren't you?

Do something different from the norm and maybe that'll shake you out of it. Sometimes just me driving somewhere new can snap me out of the fog I drift around in.

GoddessNoir said...

It's okay to complain even if you feel you have nothing to complain about. I was feeling rather "Blah" yesterday. I bought some makeup and some clothes today, now I'm feeling not as "blah". Sometimes, despite how fabulous we know we are, we still feel a little stuck. I agree with Dixie, do one thing different, buy a new bra, do your hair differently, get some perfume, sometimes it works, hope you're feeling better soon.

Sally said...

I'm a bit late....but just wanted to send you a huge hug. I totally get what you're feeling - been there - people say they are jealous of the fact that people like you and me found our love so early in life - but I too have days where I feel I missed out, feel fat and frumpy and boring and long to be out there in a flirty skirt getting chatted up.

I think you're beautiful. Always have - whatever weight you were - you have presence lady - and no skinny bitch can diet her way into that, or buy it at Monsoon. And yes, sometimes we wish a tall dark handsome exciting man would sweep us off our feet cos once you've been married 10 years, you miss that buzz sometimes.

And that's totally normal.

Love you. wish you were coming down next week....

Sal x

Sara Joy said...

Oh Zoe...

I'm sorry you're in a funk. I think we all know that gross feeling. But you ARE beautiful.

And I just wanted to say that as much fun as I'm having in college, I'm totally scared that I won't find the love, the family, the commitment that you have. I totally look at you and other women like you with a twinge of jealousy.

Love love love!